You're choking on big black bloody mouthfuls of it

nearly 6 months have passed since my last entry, in which time I have experienced more than I can ever relay to you.

there has been a great awakening!

let me begin where I left you- with a solo vacation. Colorado was amazing! I felt free for the first time, and at peace. car rides through the snow-capped mountains, cool/breezy nights, drinks and laughs around a fire, hiking to a gorgeous waterfall, driving four-wheelers through national parks, along winding paths, up and down steep hills, wind through my hair, leaving all the negativity and insecurity behind me- I discovered who I was supposed to be all along.

on to California, where I realized the person I had hoped to find there was only in my mind. worth mentioning: Disneyland was refreshing. moving on...

I realized that I will never love Psychology, which means that pursuing a career in that field would be self-sabotage. I would be committing myself to something that would only cause stress and anger in the future.

in June, I embarked on a new journey. I began courses at International Academy of Design and Technology, and I am en route to earning an Associate of Applied Science Degree in Fashion Design and Marketing by December 2010. I love every bit of it so far! I am halfway through my second term and am excited to go to classes most days. yesterday I completed my first garment, albeit from a pattern, but I have to start somewhere :) I am entirely optimistic and excited for the future!

one major contributor to these major life changes was my decision to abstain from sex for more than six months! I was able to clear my head of all unnecessary garbage. I sorted through left-over feelings of resentment and came to terms with my financial struggles. it allowed for opportunities to rediscover ME, which is what was missing for such a long time. I also became very aware (for the first time) of what I did and did not want in a partner.

addressing briefly, a very dear person.. have you ever encountered a soul-mate? a person who you feel a strong attraction to and develop a very solid bond with? that's you for me. looking back over years of entries here, I was always careful with mentioning our special moments... they are mine and yours to keep. I recall them vividly and keep them very close to my heart. although my actions sometimes contradict my words, believe that I love and respect you. I know that there have been so many roadblocks between us, but I hope that I am lucky enough to be a part of your life for the rest of our lives, no matter how large or small my role.

today, I am in a better place. I am focused and determined and hopeful!

I have met a wonderful young man who encourages me in my endeavors and reminds me that life isn't always about work, that it's alright to play just as hard! he is honest and light-hearted, grounded, witty, creative and goal-oriented. every moment with him allows for new discovery about him, myself, and the world around us. I believe that we have found something very special and I feel lucky for the opportunity to experience something so good. ♥

I am nearly done with the my first semester at SAC and it isn't coming soon enough. I need time to rest and to be creative. I am still considering a change in majors, but have made no concrete decisions.

So much has taken place. Life changes and I change with it // there is a constant evolution. I rarely feel stuck anymore because of this. When things feel stale, I make a move in a different direction... and I have the freedom to do so.

I am on my way to Colorado in a few weeks, then California. I am vacationing to see a couple of wonderful people, minus Estevan due to conflicting schedules. It will be my first time traveling alone and I am incredibly excited. I feel like I am finally headed toward a life I have always envisioned for myself.

It has been more than 7 months that I've been single. Relationships have been fluid and lighthearted. I am much more in control of my impulses (in accordance with my new year's resolution) and I am very satisfied with the results. Currently, my thoughts are reaching for a boy who lives very far away. I am at once surprised and awe-struck at my own response to him, but he is a lot of things that I am looking for. We are both eager to pursue something that may not be easy. However, I will not deny myself these feelings based on something as changeable as proximity.

I am amazed at the resiliency of the human spirit and its ability to maintain hope and faith. I have not an ounce of doubt that I can know true love again, despite every tragedy and betrayal I have encountered. I won't ever settle again and I won't believe that I deserve less because of past relationships. I won't fear love.

i am romanced by the poetry of clouds
whose wisps and whispers
emulate that soft seduction,
that smooth and subtle way
you moved and twisted
and conquered.
you spoke-
each syllable a song
and i hung on every note, fervently
longing to orchestrate your euphony.
your tongue moved slowly and sensually
as you threaded your fingers through my hair
and your fiery eyes set my heart ablaze.

my mommy insists i have lost too much weight

because...

( all my bones are showing! )

i sometimes MISS mental illness and shitty art. hmph. it's hard to learn to be interesting and definable in other ways.

Anyway, sooo much has happened/is happening. major points though, because i lack colorful vocabulary.. and stuff.

- my Thumper-kitty passed away a few months ago :(
- bills are too much to handle on my own
- it seems that guys want to use me
- i met an amazing person & he moved away

+/- i started to learn guitar, but have not been interested lately
+/- inspiration comes in strong, though short-lived waves

+ i've made tons of new/wonderful/interesting friends
+ my Brittney has moved home from Arkansas!
+ i actually have a social life now
+ gay bars + dance music = love
+ i feel like life is limitless & have vowed never to hold myself back again
+ i've started my first semester at San Antonio College
+ i volunteered with my little sis at a wildlife sanctuary for the national day of service
+ i have held my ground and said "no" to guys who are bad for me!! (very proud of that!)
+ i have officially lost/kept off 30 lbs & i feeel amaaazing!!!
+ i have begun to cultivate a person style again ^.^
+ i turned 24
+ i went SKYDIVING!!! woot!
+ i am hopeful for my future
+ i have a Valentine's Day date with a wonderful kid!

things i don't take for granted:
+ breathing CLEAN air
+ saving my change (seriously)
+ boys with good teeth :*

you walk away
i watch... i follow
sit and talk
alone for the fist time tonight
what's on your mind?
who are you anyway?
here it comes; there it is
her name on your lips
confusion weighs heavily
on your brow
a sort of sadness
a love unknown, yet lost

we were not meant to last
our fly-by-night romance
had a time-line
a schedule
this is our final round
but we are filled with guilt

i move closer; you hold me
and we sit in silence
allowing the breeze to take our thoughts
all those insecurities
all those embarrassments
there is you; there is me
two entities
on separate journeys
but the collaboration was so sweet
we are still aware of this

the wind tousles your hair
and carries my perfume
the others are living, laughing
oblivious to our indiscretions
your fingertips brush my cheek
eyes
lips
tongue
you will remember her tomorrow.

so i found a friend from high school that i'd been looking for. she was one of my best friends and one day she moved or i moved, don't know which came first, but i never heard from her again. but i found her sister on myspace a few weeks ago. got her number and have been texting back and forth. and it occured to me that...

my 2 best female friends are both divorced at 23. one with 3 kids, the other with 4. & it's so strange to me, but i'm incredibly grateful that i had a different life.

and my 2 best male friends are both dead :/ steve committed suicide a few years ago and i always felt guilty for not calling him because sam was uncomfortable with our friendship... and sam... sam. i miss him so much and i can't stop thinking about him lately.

i know that i have to accept death, but it's so painful. and i'm afraid of it. i'm so fucking scared to die. & i cannot imagine the thoughts and emotions that run through you. and i know that sam at least had his friend holding him, but steve was alone. & it makes me feel so fucking sad and guilty.

... i can't control my fucking emotions today.

p.s. my orthodontist died.

p.p.s. i fkn got stood up by a friend.

it's been 3 weeks since we moved out of our apartment.
i'm staying with my parents and doing well.
no bickering or control issues.
passed state audit at work.
finally registered to vote.
doing well in school.
positive.
no birth control for 3 weeks.
& i haven't gone crazy yet.
need an appt with planned parenthood.
spayed the kitten.
working on bills.
rational.
the relationship is over.
many reasons.
one reason.
still positive and rational.


life becomes so complicated and over-simplified all at once. i've learned that sense of self is the most important and hardest concept to grasp. ideal self. still working on becoming a better, more grounded person. trying not to lead with emotions, and trying not to lose them again.

I want to know
Where you go
I want to know
Where you go at night
When you leave my bed
And when I saw you wandering is when I knew
You had no time for me left in your life
So I'm gone out on my baby
Blown away, blown away
So far

so I got a 95 in the class I should have had a "B" in. I guess my essay was thorough enough to compensate for low word count. not complaining though! i'm glad for my GPA.

i met with one potential roommate and talked to several others online and over the phone & realized i would be completely unhappy and uncomfortable living with any of them. my parents offered to let me stay rent-free, so i accepted their offer. they are almost finished with their main house, but for now everyone is living in the guest house. so it will be cramped! & if i stay when they move out, my rent will be minimal.

i'm pretty happy with the situation. moving home might seem like a step backward, but i don't see it as a failure. i need time to sort things out. i need to work out of this debt. i need to re-focus. i think it will be good for me. i also have a much better relationship with them than i used to, so it will be nice to have the time with them.

cons: my mom is allergic to cats, so the girls will live outdoors & thumper will most likely stay with jason :/ .. i'll have to visit often! also, i'll have to go to church with them most sundays. ewww.

for now, i need to start packing and keep up my motivation for school work. possibly starting a belly dancing class soon. my sister and brother want me to take karate with them, but that's doubtful. need to eat healthy foods. need more hours of sleep. need to channel my creative energy.

I've been reflecting a lot on the last several years, as well as my current situation. I came to the realization that I have taken so many people for granted. I've lost connections that used to be so strong. I miss loving and feeling loved by friends. I miss phone calls and dinners and movies and shopping. I remember being 18/19 and feeling like I had a safety net; I always had people I could count on. tiffany, ashley, steve, brittney, bryant, chris, john, jon, bryan, sam, other friends that have come and gone from my life, and even you, my on-line friends (jade, thorin, matt, etc).

I just wanted to say thank you, and I appreciate how accepting and supportive all of you have been of me. All of you have helped me through difficult times, and have shared my happiness during good times. I am grateful to have known such amazing people in my lifetime. ♥

My dad's request for Father's Day was for me to go to church with them. Jason and I had been once before and hated it. I didn't feel any differently this time.

Some of the points the pastor makes are valid, others are completely ridiculous to me. & obviously, I immediatelly reject anything justified by "god said". It's so illogical. Anyway, the service is huge. It's like a eerie cult. I just don't understand the mentality of these people, my parents included. & I wish they'd see that no matter how hard they push it on me, I will never accept or believe a bit of it.

So here's a bit from YouTube- Pasor Hagee, Cornerstone Church, San Antonio, TX.

So things are going alright so far. At the end of August, when our lease is up, we’re planning on getting separate apartments. Hopefully, Brittney will pull through and be my roommate. It’s about damn time she comes back from Arkansas anyway. & Jason is hoping his cousin will be his. I don’t care how little this makes sense to anyone else. I really feel that we can work this out.

The past week has been really good for us. We’ve been able to communicate so much more easily. We’re also focusing our energy on each other- trying not to take each other for granted so much. We’ve both realized the mistakes we’ve made and want to just fix it all.

Sunday was Jason’s 24th B-day. Although we didn’t have the money to do exactly what we wanted, we had an amazing weekend. We ran some errands, had brunch with my family, drove to Pleasanton for some more errands, got his new tattoo, and cuddled. We also found some old photo cds from the beginning of our relationship. Looking through them together reminded us of how happy we were and can be again. They also reminded him of how small my booty was back then ;D

The other night I had a dream that Sam's mom owned a cute little boutique. I went to shop and visit with her. Out of nowhere, Sam walks in... just like running into an old friend. So we caught up on eachother's lives. He married and had a son, i met them both. & i was happy for him. Then, Jason calls me on the phone to say that he found us the perfect new home. & everything just felt right.

I woke up that morning with a new-found sense of peace. I felt like I knew where my life was headed, and it made me happy.

The next night's dream was about the wedding. I don't remember too many details aside from knowing that everything was going wrong. None of the planning/time/energy that I put into it was paying off. & our wedding day was ruined.

This past weekend, there was another big disagreement, just as last month... The idea now is that there will not be a wedding. I'm still unsure where we stand as a couple, because we have not really discussed anything. We may try to work through our problems to continue our relationship. I think we both agree that living together and planning for marriage has placed a great strain upon us as lovers, as well as individuals.

Wednesday, Apr 23rd, 2008 -- Although you need to be around your friends and workmates today, you can also derive pleasure by keeping to yourself. As much as you want to demonstrate your skillful approach to everyone, this might be an opportune day to be low-key and quietly get your job done as best you can. Accepting your self-imposed isolation could open doors to increased self-awareness. Listen to your own inner voice now for the best guidance.

the past few weeks

-booked the ceremony/reception venue for September 13, 2008
-hated my wedding dress, so I exchanged it for something much more suitable to my figure! (stupid hips)
-decided on a theme for the ceremony: Birds & Bees. wish I had a friend close by to help plan it. creativity is hard.
-ordered the cake
-visited the florist. no idea which way to go with the flowers. i love everything.
-argued with my mother over my lack of religion, wherein she refused to pay for the wedding (temporarily)
-moved to our new office building
-quit my job
-... went back the next day
-started reading The Chronicles of Narnia... still reading. 2.5/7 stories. yeah
-started school on-line. this is my 3rd week. easy peasy.
-took Thumper to ER vet again. still don't know why he keeps getting sick. not nearly as sick as november though.
-celebrated out 2 year anniversary ♥ _at the vet^
-went to the Strawberry Festival and had too much wine :\

-and, ummm... totally missed all you people.

-still need to decide on honeymoon. suggestions?

so. i'm getting married :)

the tentative date is october 11. much planning and stressing is expected, has already begun. my dear fiance works an opposing schedule, so i'm left either on my own, or to consult with my mother. i'm not sure which is worse :P all i have as of now is my wedding dress. i'm still searching for the perfect location.. or as close as i can find on our budget. thankfully, several co-workers and family members have offered to carry some of the financial burden. jason and i are left with the florist, photographer, and honeymoon. and of course any extras i decide i can't live without! i feel very lucky to have so many supportive people in my life.

otherwise, everything is good. my birthday was better this year than the last several. we went cosmic bowling with a few of jason's friends & everyone got drunk... except me :D but it was fun. we don't generally go out, so it was a nice change of pace. also, last weekend we had company for the first time since we moved in september. dominos, bullshit, poker, & drunken "what the fuck". we're an excited couple, eh?

my best friend from high school is getting married in october as well. undoubtedly, we had to invite each other! that means i may be traveling to Louisiana just after our honeymoon. & i'll finally meet her children O.o

p.s.

i'm getting married

:D

(i am the snow)

????

well. i feel amazing lately. i guess i've come to terms with myself really. i'm very self-critical, needlessly. i cut my hair/i feel catalyzed. i'm feeling like the old me. expressive.

after a bit of e-search, i decided it's time to change my birth control pills. i've been on microgynon($6) for the past few years and after reading some articles, i've been able to relate a few problems and body issues to the drug. i'm re-starting Yasmin($18)((ick)) & am incredibly anxious to see if it works well to fix those issues.

i've been off pills entirely for 2 weeks. i feel like those damn things were holding me in. (inside myself)/// i start anew this sunday. luck to me.

i also reeallly want to start school soon. i've realized that i'll never be fully confidant of my path of formal training. so i've picked psychology as a major. not because i want it, but because i want something.

i'm also in need of an art partner. still.